127 - The Kraken Awakes

Having a bit of a moment today. Seeing this picture of myself in my twenties. I just keep feeling the ache of the gap between what I wanted my life to be and what it actually was. Not so much how it is now but how it was up until and including my 40s. The dream versus the reality. 

That Body Shop shirt! I had an early morning cleaning job at the Body Shop on Oxford Street.

I don't normally dwell in the past - I believe in the philosophy of existing in the moment and appreciating it, living it fully. But the process of writing these blog posts everyday has churned it up and brought me face-to-face with the person I was and the person I am. I wish I could go back in time and mentor her.

The missing colour transparencies (slides) of my past work turned out to be behind a row of box files in my wardrobe. I rushed through them this morning (before a meeting that was scheduled by Tim - more on that later or another time) and dropped them off to be scanned at the Photo Centre shop.

The digital files arrived when I got home. There were slides that I had never been able to afford to get scanned. Or perhaps they just didn't make the final edit of slides that got duplicated and submitted when I applied for art opportunities.

In any case, it was triggering emotionally to see them. So much energy. The same energy I feel now. It's like the Kraken inside. It's a kind of power that is frightening. Or perhaps I should say having the power is frightening. A long time ago, I used to have nightmares of driving a powerful sports car and losing control of the steering. A bit like a scream dream where you want to scream but no sound comes out. Caveat - the last time I had a nightmare was years and years ago when I ate overripe Stilton cheese before bed.

I just need to take a breath and take hold of the steering wheel and keep the speed steady. Put the breaks on when necessary. Manoeuvre. Bit of a lame analogy but my mind is spinning today.

On top of the unearthing of the buried work, Tim Scrace (director of Scrace Architects) presented me with some commissioned feasibility plans for my house, all of which I can't afford (I mean the realisation of them). I found all the spatial iterations of my home dizzying.

I'm getting the bus to the seaside tomorrow. It's hard to take time off but I really need it. Need to get back to the present.